And........

We have one follicle. I can not lie, I must say that secretly I had hoped for a fe, but one will do. No twins that means....

It is 14-15 in size right now and my estrogen is 178, all is on track. I got my Ovi.del today from the doctors office, it had been shipped there while we were on vacation.

I go back in on Friday to have another ultrasound and blood work and then I will probably do the shot over the weekend and then IUI on Monday and baby dance on Tuesday.

Wheeee so crazy to think that I am gonna be pregnant!

Vacation and Clo*mid

So Tim and I went on vacation for the last week at the beach house in Clinton that we have been to for the last 3 years. It is an amazing place and we have such a blast inviting our friends to come and spend time with us there. There is no internet and it really just gives us a time to recharge our emotional batteries. We relax and hang out. We bring out dog Moxie with us and she hangs out and loves being on the beach and playing frisbee and digging holes.

So we do a week in June and a week in September...just to give us something to look forward to.

So, we got to the beach house on Saturday and had a few couples up and did a Mexican night with our friends, played a drinking game and just had a blast. Sunday we had a dozen or more people up to hang out with us and I made enough food for an army! We had so much left over that I did not have to cook for the whole week. I took these days to have a few drinks, since hopefully this will be my last time drinking for a long time.

Monday I started my first day of clomi*d. I took it Monday through Friday, 50mgs. I also ordered my Ovid*rel injection from Freed*om pharmacy. I was really happy that the pills and shot only cost a whopping $15!

So I don't see to have had any physical side effects of the medicine so far, luckily. But emotionally they are kicking my ass. I did not really feel it until Saturday. I felt like I wanted to cry at the drop of a hat, and I felt angry as well, and then I was extra angry that I was angry, because I did not want to be angry. I felt sort of anti-social and just really not myself. It continued over to today, where I woke up cranky and was not nice to my husband over something that was not a big deal. I just feel over emotional and sad and angry. and I take that back, I feel really, really tired physically. That is the only change I have noticed.

So I go in on Wednesday and see how many eggs are growing, if any. It is possible that this is not the drug for me and it is not working. It is possible they will see some great eggs. I am anxious to see and hopeful that it is working....They will see how big the eggs are and I may need to be monitored for a few times to get the eggs to the size they want them, and then they will tell me to do my shot at home....and then the I*UI (insemination with the hubs swimmers).

I am really hopeful that it will all work out, but trying to be realistic as well,. It seems a bit harder for me today, because it is Fathers Day. Aside from my father hating me, I feel really sad that I am not able to just make a baby normally for my husband. And it makes me even more sad to think that half of the dads out there are dads on accident. And it really makes me feel sad, and broken that I just can't say okay, its time and make a baby. I am broken. And I often wonder if my husband feels that way too, but just will not say it. It weighs heavily on my mind...and my heart.

I feel so many emotions and think surely crazy thoughts..I just wish that someone, somewhere understood. I can see this is already taking a small toll on my marriage with my crankiness and my husband who doesn't really quite get it. He wants to get it, I know he does, but I just dont think he can.

So, I will update on Wednesday!

Life sometimes just gets in the way of doing the things that we want to do, like shop and blog and get pedicures!

I have been doing a lot of transcript typing in preparation for going on vacation. I have certain deadlines that I need to meet and things to get finished...and new stuff keeps coming in. I get a little overwhelmed...but spent some of today typing and will spend more time tomorrow.

Tomorrow, we also are going to 2 open houses. I really enjoy these and love that my husband goes. I tell him it's a cheap date because it is free and I really enjoy the time together with him.

This coming weekend we are heading to the beach house, and I can not wait! I feel like I need this, I feel that we need this as individuals and as a couple. No Internet, just me, my hubby and our dog. Of course we have friends coming up on the weekend to spend time with us, which I also enjoy!

I am waiting for my cycle to start. It should be coming between the 9-13th, today is the 6th....and once it starts everything sort of jump starts. I go to the doctor on day 2 or 3 and then start the Clo.mid. I am scared and excited all at the same time. I am really trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I really hope that it works the first cycle. I know there is a decent chance it may not, but I really do hope it does. I know I will experience great disappointment if it doesn't.

I have been reading alot and trying to be really informed about infertility. I have been reading other peoples blogs, reading books, the internet and talking to people. We have a couple that are going through it at the same time as us, and while they are doing diferent meds because they have been being treated longer, it is nice to have a female to talk to and maybe for my hsuband to have someone to talk to as well. I think sometimes we forget how it effects the husbands in our lives and I want to try to be sensitive to that as well.

Happy Band

So, due to my sickness last week the doctor had me do an upper GI test today to check on my band. It was really neat to see my band and how it works under florascope. My band is positioned perfectly and working just as it should be. I got .01 of a fill while there too. I hope it jump starts me back to losing weight. I haven't lost anything in a week and it is kind of depressing.

I did discover today that I can no longer eat pasta. It makes me sad. I love pasta. I prefer it over any cake or candy or anything really.

My hubby and I had a fight last night. It was about the air conditioner. It was stupid but I really feel terrible about it. I think it illuminated a bigger issues for us on both sides. I really feel like his opposite schedule is taking a toll on me, and on our relationship. It is so hard. I also have so much going on in my head, I really feel like my husband just does not get it, and part of me thinks that he just doesnt care. I have issues going on with my mom, and worrying about her, work is taking a toll, I am tired all the time, I have stress, and infertility really takes a toll on me too. So much. Sometimes I just feel like I need a husband who is more understanding, more compassionate. One who will say I don't understand, but I am here for you. Someone to wipe away my tears. It is a bad week, I may feel differently next week, but right now, I feel alone.

I feel physically tired all the time. No doctor knows why, but I am so sick of being sick and tired. It is hard for me to imagine how a baby will play into all of this. If I am too tired now, how will I be able to take care of a baby, when I feel like I can barely take care of myelf some days.

Life happens

So, I had said I would not go weeks without blogging, and here I have failed. I want this journal to be a guide and look back on our journey of infertility, as well as for a way for family and friends to keep up with what is going on. Sadly, nothing much is going on right now.

We celebrated Tim's dads retirement on Thursday with a whole bunch of his co-workers at a restaurant in Maddison. It was a nice time, and his dad was really glad that his kids were there to support him. On the way home I felt sick, and just got worse as the night went on. By midway through the night I was in horrible condition. I called out of work and was really sick, fever, throwing up, the whole nine yards. I had a doctor's appointment that day anyway, so it worked out well. I went to see my general doctor, Doctor T, and he said it was food poisoning or a bug, he wasnt sure which one, as they both have the same symptoms. He wants a ultrasound of my spleen, but he gave me some meds to take away the nauseau and he also gave me a clean bill of health in general and said to go ahead and have a baby! He was pleased with my weight loss and said that it is much more healthy for me to have a baby now. It makes me so happy that all of my doctors are on board with getting pregnant now. I have lost 40 pounds and they are all happy and supportive and it makes me happy.

My husband has been away at a LAN party with his friends this weekend and I have had some great me time. I shopped all day yesterday, and bought a lot! The only bad thing about losing so much weight is that none of my clothes fit anymore! So I needed some new ones. I bought a few things for the beach house as well. Just 3 more weeks and we will be enjoying a wonderful week away. I can not wait!

Not much going on in baby news. I am just waiting for my period to come in June, and then we will begin the cycle. I am so happy, but at the same time so scared that it will not work. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but boy do I want to be pregnant next month. I would love to tell my husband at his 40th birthday party that he is going to be a dad! His party is mid July, and I should be able to test right before it!

We are off to look at an open house today. After finding the home of our dreams last weekend I a not so excited to go house looking anymore. Sadly, we just can not afford that house, it is about 70K more than we wanted to pay. But I sure did love it!

The Oncologist

So I had a follow up appointment with the Oncologist at the local hospital. A few months ago, March 9th, I had Co2 laser surgery on my girl bits. I had been diagnosed with severe pre-cancerous cells and had to have them removed. Laser is the most cosmetic friendly way to go, so the oncologist suggested that.

Well, perhaps he was optimistic but he told me 2 weeks of no sex and I would be good to go. This was the most painful surgery I have ever had. They burned from top to bottom, and it hurt like hell. So anyway, fast forward to now, 9 weeks later and it still hurt to have sex.

So, I went for a follow up again and he said there is one spot that looks scar like and it is healing slower due to less blood vessels. He gave me some lidocaine to put on when I want to have sex and said it will heal, he promises.

After that, I went to the market and to Walmart. I bought a baby onsie that says I love dad. This may be a bit over ambitious, but I am so hopeful that we will be pregnant next month. I made a pitcher of homemade lemonade, the ole fashioned way, lemons, water and sugar, yum.

The beginning....

I have had bits and pieces of blogs over the years, but really want to be able to document our journey through infertility.

The start of us....7 years ago we began dating. We moved in together after almost 3 years and got married after being together about 6 and a half years. So, technically we are still newlyweds!

We own our home, but are currently looking to move to a new house with better school districts and a more family friendly neighborhood. I love looking at houses and dreaming of all the things that we could do to it.

I work as a court recording monitor for the State of Connecticut and my husband holds a job in video streaming. We both work full time and a bit of opposite schedules. Sometimes it sucks.

I have PCOS and after extensive testing, blood work, ultrasounds, HSG, SHG, and SA, we found out that I do not ovulate. No eggies = no babies. So, after thinking and talking with the doctor, next month we will start our first round of treatment, Clomid, Ovidrel and IUI. I am excited and scared to death! Follow me through it!